September 27, 2014
As of Thursday morning, one more Tinder profile was added to this world
on the decline of organic social interaction. Did I fight the urge? Yes of
course I fought the urge; who hasn't fought the urge to get a Tinder profile?
No female likes degrading herself to five pictures on an iPhone app to be seen
by men within 20 miles of her between the ages of 23 and 29. And what if
something actually works out? It's okay, we can tell Mom we met on a street
corner when I asked him for directions. As far as Mom's concerned, Tinder
doesn't even exist. But the rest of the world? Well, I've stopped wondering
what the rest of the world thinks of what I do. I can't say I've stopped caring,
but I have stopped wondering.
Anyway, I joined for a network. A chance to meet new people in the area.
It brings me marginal solace to see that many others on Tinder joined for the
same reason: new to Seattle, eager to meet new people. I think they should
create a Tinder for friends. But either way, I had my first Tinderella story
last night and I can’t say it went as I had expected. A very personable fellow,
tall, blue eyes and blond hair. Certainly attractive, as anyone would be that
you meet on Tinder. So personable, in fact, that before the night was over we
had visited the Men’s Warehouse, the Chase bank, the grocery store, the dry
cleaners, and the local pub so that he could say hello to all the people he
knew who worked in these places. I’ll spare you the details, but it was clear
by the end of the evening to the both of us that it wasn’t going to work out between
us. His friend drove me home, a friend we’d met up with at the Oktoberfest we visited
before a comedy show we planned to attend; we never made it to the comedy show.
You know, I have this fear of romantic love. I know this sounds like the
first chapter of a Nicholas Sparks novel, but really, I just have this fundamental
distaste for the idea. And to be frank I’m not sure why I’m even writing about
it on this blog, except that it’s somewhat relevant to the post. Don’t worry,
though, I’m in no mind to unload all my romantic baggage upon you. As Nathaniel
Hawthorne says about autobiographer, “we may prate of the circumstances that
lie around us, and even of ourself, but still keep the inmost Me behind its
veil.” So to continue, I think I believe in true love, at least I’d like
to, but I’m not really sure. I’m afraid of what I’ll discover in love – that it’s
not as beautiful as people say it is. A fear of disappointment then? I’m afraid
of knowing someone so deeply and to be known as well. I know I have these
vulnerable, insecure sides of myself that I hate unleashing to the world of the
Here and Now – I prefer to keep them tucked away so I can pretend they don’t
exist – and love has this terrible way of bringing that stuff to the surface. I
also fear that love means changing myself. I know love means compromising and
sacrifice, but I’ve lost myself in love once before and I never want that to
happen again. Yes, I’ve been in love before. I’m not in the mood to talk about
it, but suffice it to say that it didn’t leave a good taste in my mouth
concerning the issue. I just have a terrible, foreboding, fundamental feeling
that love is passionate, vulnerable, and short-lived. And I don’t even want to
begin to speak of marriage.
If you’re reading this,
please share your thoughts, your experiences, your feelings on this issue. Leave
a comment on the blog post; it can be anonymous. The world sees a lot of
brokenness in love, and I suppose I’m losing hope, and I would value the input
of others. I haven’t given up yet, though. Like my friend Evan says, “If not
for the hope to be able to love and be loved so completely by someone, what
makes life worth living?”
I read this, and had a lot I wanted to say, but it occurs to me I said my piece when we spoke last. Like many I've been hurt by 'love', and like many I've had to find my own way past that. I'd like to offer two quotes from an author I believe you're at least somewhat familiar with. An author who very few would look to for advice on 'love', but more should, because she understood that Love isn't romantic. Love isn't compromise and sacrifice. Love isn't losing yourself in someone or something else.
ReplyDelete“I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”
― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged
“To say "I love you" one must know first how to say the "I".”
― Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead
This may not make sense to you. It may not work for you. All I know is that I spent the better part of the last four years alone: not for fear of pain -- I've felt pain, and I've survived it; not for fear of disappointment -- I've disappointed and been disappointed. I spent four years alone because I experienced the feeling of losing 'I'. I realized that not only does "I love you" cease to mean anything when you lose 'I', but so does "I want", and "I need", and the understanding of what's actually good and healthy for 'I'.
'love' is romantic, 'love' is sacrifice and compromise, 'love' is a Hallmark card and a romance novel.
Love is greedy, Love is selfish. Love is someone who wants you. Not a mask you wear, not a refined version of you. Love doesn't want change, because Love is someone who knows that their 'I' is made better, and stronger, and happier by being near your 'I', and wants nothing else from you.
Dying for 'love' is a noble sacrifice.
Dying for Love is selfishly saying "'I' don't want to live in a world without you in it."
I realize I said I wasn't going to write much, but my fingers tend to get away from me. Feel free to remove this or ask me to do so.
Sincerely,
A Friend.
This is beautiful. I actually love Ayn and her views on love. "To love is to value..." you're absolutely right. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteIf you find someone who complements you, who fills the voids in your personality, and who motivates you to move forward more passionately and effectively along the path that God has laid before you, and you're falling for them, that is a good thing. The love between a husband and wife can reflect the love God has for us, too, helping us learn more about God.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I'm single right now and not actively looking for a relationship. Like the person who posted earlier said, "Love is greedy." If you give yourself to another person, it takes your independence away. Now you're sharing your life with another, and you lose the freedom to pursue your own passions without consultation with the other person. On the other hand, you gain the freedom of complete openness to and dependence on that person.
Just some thoughts, cause this has been on my mind a bit recently.
Thanks Sara, you stumped me. It's been 20 minutes (staring at the keyboard/back of my eyelids) and I still can't find my feelings... this isn't over.
ReplyDelete;-)